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Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters?
Alright, so I don’t want to make movie reviews a regular thing, because normally I save those for when I absolutely can’t think of anything else to write about, but this movie was so hilariously bad I just had to tell you about it.
So everyone knows the story of Hansel and Gretel. Two kids are lost in the woods, they find a cabin made of candy and start eating it, the witch who lives there catches them and tries to make them fat so she can eat them….and the ending varies.
In this version, Hansel and Gretel are siblings whose father takes them out in the woods, at night, and just leaves them there. So they find the candy cabin, and the witch makes Hansel eat and Gretel do slavework. Gretel’s stoking the oven fire, when she steals a knife, cuts her bonds, and stabs the witch several times before, with the help of her brother, shoving the witch into the oven and turning the heat up. “Is it hot enough for you now?” Snarky last lines become Gretel’s thing. Then off the two children go, holding hands, and they grow up into legendary witch hunters.
We come back into the story as an innocent woman, Mina, is being tried as a witch by some d-bag antagonist, and the siblings show up to prove her innocence, make a minor enemy, and get hired by the mayor to deal with a rash of missing children that are clearly the work of a witch. The problem is, they show up with huge, fancily engraved and very badass guns that are extraordinarily wrong for the time period. The witch hunts in Europe were around the early 1400s, and while they might have had a few small guns, like single shot pistol type guns, they did not have huge engraved ones, and they most definitely did not have machine guns.
It is revealed that because Hansel ate too much of the witch’s candy, he now has to inject himself with medicine every few hours. I’m pretty sure they also did not have syringes back then. Nor record players, which they use to trap another witch later. I’m running out of words, so some weird stuff happens, and the siblings end up separated in the woods. Mina shows up to patch Hansel’s wounds, and they have sex, which I truly believe was only put in so critics didn’t say that Hansel and Gretel were a little too close for family. A big troll named Edward saves Gretel from the d-bag, and when asked why, says “Trolls serve witches.” PLOT TWIST.
It turns out that Hansel and Gretel’s mother was a Grand White Witch, and their father left them in the woods to save them because the townspeople found out. Gretel is a Grand White Witch too, and it’s revealed that the dark Grand Witch Muriel needs her heart, and the blood of twelve children to make a potion that will make dark witches impervious to fire. But with the help of Edward and Mina, Hansel and Gretel make it out alive and kill the grand witch in the candy cabin where it all started.
There’s an unnecessary amount of gore and cussing (I don’t think they said “fuck” back then either), but on the whole it’s not really a bad movie, so if you want a dramatic laugh I would definitely recommend this for a good bad movie night.
Alright, so I don’t want to make movie reviews a regular thing, because normally I save those for when I absolutely can’t think of anything else to write about, but this movie was so hilariously bad I just had to tell you about it.
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