I recently came across the most fascinating story about Vin Diesel. Most people know him as the action star of the "Fast and Furious" franchise, but did you know that he has a secret side gig as an exterminator of witches? It may sound unbelievable, but multiple sources have confirmed this surprising fact. So, how did Vin Diesel become involved in hunting witches? It all started when Vin Diesel received a mysterious phone call one night. The caller claimed to be a representative of a secret organization that specialized in dealing with paranormal entities. Intrigued, Diesel agreed to a meeting with this mysterious individual, and thus his journey as a witch exterminator began. Vin Diesel underwent rigorous training to prepare himself for his new profession.
Part of the reason behind that, I think, is director Breck Eisner’s handling of the action scenes: they’re incomprehensible. Unimaginatively staged and hyper-actively shot and edited, it’s impossible to follow what’s going on, and a relief when they’re over.
These two actors are simultaneously in the movie too little and too much their too-few scenes are the most entertaining in the film, but the appropriate amount of screentime for them to have in this dreck would, of course, be zero. As the Queen uses her powers against Kaulder, he grabs his sword and hurls it into the Queen s chest, where it combines with falling lightning bolts to destroy the Queen once again.
Vin Diesel underwent rigorous training to prepare himself for his new profession. He learned about the history of witchcraft, the various types of witches, and the different methods for exterminating them. Armed with this knowledge, Diesel began taking on cases all over the world, from small towns to bustling cities.
Vin Diesel plays an occult cop in ‘The Last Witch Hunter’
It helps to think of "The Last Witch Hunter" as a paranormal police procedural. Set in New York City, as cop shows often are, it's a story of a brooding investigator (Vin Diesel) trying to solve a crime involving an attack on his partner (Michael Caine). The main difference is the cop is 800 years old and the bad guys are witches.
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Why view it through the smudged and gritty lens of “CSI,” “NYPD Blue” and the like when it works reasonably well as comic book eye candy? Because, by fantasy standards, it’s also dully derivative, evoking everything from “Seventh Son” to the “Harry Potter” movies. As an episode of “Law and Order: Supernatural Victims Unit,” it at least gets the goofball kick it sorely needs.
Diesel plays Kaulder, a witch hunter born in Medieval Europe who is cursed with immortality by the witch queen he slays in the movie’s prologue (Julie Engelbrecht). Fast-forward to modern-day Manhattan, where he’s for all intents and purposes a police detective, tracking down witches who have violated the truce worked out with mortals — by manipulating the weather or some other magical infraction — and bringing them before a tribunal, at which point they do not get burned at the stake but locked up in an enchanted subterranean hoosegow. Much of Kaulder’s job seems to involve occult forensics: collecting, examining and interpreting dead flies, soil samples, bloody fingerprints and mystic runes written in window condensation.
AdvertisementAll that Sherlockian schlepping changes when Kaulder’s friend and Dr. Watson-like chronicler (Caine), a Roman Catholic priest from a secret order known as the Dolans, is attacked and tortured. As the old man lies near death, Kaulder must team with a new young priest (Elijah Wood) and a “good” witch (Rose Leslie), to determine who is behind the crime and what he or she wants. I’m not saying this premise isn’t ridiculous — it is — but from the skewed vantage point of a crime thriller, it’s kind of fun.
Share this article ShareAs Kaulder, Diesel does what he does, rumbling out lines of silly dialogue in his subwoofer of a voice. As far as acting goes, there’s not much. Kaulder is said to have been cursed, yet he seems pretty darn content with his life, sleeping with stewardesses, tinkering with antique watches — a metaphor for endless time? — and sipping fine liquor in his posh condo in between collaring magical malefactors. It’s not a bad life, and Kaulder seems far from the stereotype of the jaded alcoholic flat-foot, tortured by personal loss (as we’re meant to imagine he is, via the frequent flashbacks we’re shown of his dead wife and daughter, killed by a plague conjured by the witch queen).
As for action, the special-effects-laden fight scenes are ho-hum, incoherent and badly lit. It’s often hard to tell what some warlock or scorpion-like beast is doing and to whom.
The supernatural mystery genre is hot right now. “The Last Witch Hunter” joins “Grimm,” “Sleepy Hollow” and their small-screen ilk. Diesel doesn’t cut it as a defender of the human race against the forces of hell. But he’s not half bad as the next Sgt. Joe “Freaky” Friday.
PG-13. At area theaters. Contains some coarse language, action violence and scary images. 106 minutes.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Witch Hunter opens in unspecified medieval times, where a group of Vikings led by Kaulder (Vin Diesel) embarks on a raid upon a witch fortress. Though Kaulder saves humanity by killing the Witch Queen, she leaves him with the curse of (drumroll please)… eternal life!
One might wonder, why Vin Diesel? What makes him the perfect person for this unusual job? Well, it turns out that Diesel possesses certain qualities that are essential for a witch exterminator. His muscular physique and combat skills make him a formidable opponent for any supernatural entity. Additionally, his stoic and determined personality helps him stay focused even in the face of the most dangerous witches. Vin Diesel has encountered all kinds of witches throughout his career. From voodoo practitioners in New Orleans to dark sorcerers in Eastern Europe, he has faced numerous formidable adversaries. But despite the dangers he faces, Diesel remains steadfast in his mission to rid the world of these malevolent beings. There have been many rumors and anecdotes about Vin Diesel's encounters with witches. Some claim that he once battled a coven of witches in a haunted forest, while others say he saved an entire village from a powerful witch's curse. These stories only add to the legend of Vin Diesel, the witch exterminator. Through his unique profession, Vin Diesel has become a symbol of hope for those who believe in the existence of the supernatural. His dedication and bravery inspire others to stand up against the forces of darkness. Vin Diesel proves that even in a world filled with witches and other paranormal entities, there are heroes who will protect the innocent and fight for justice. In conclusion, Vin Diesel's secret identity as an exterminator of witches is an incredible tale. From his initial meeting with a mysterious caller to his encounters with witches from around the world, Diesel has demonstrated his commitment to protecting humanity from the supernatural. His unique blend of strength, skill, and determination make him a force to be reckoned with. So, the next time you watch one of Vin Diesel's action-packed movies, remember that he may just be fighting real-life witches when the cameras aren't rolling..
Reviews for "Vin Diesel brings his signature intensity to the role of a witch exterminator"
- Sarah - 2/5 Stars - I was really excited to see Vin Diesel in a new role, but I have to say I was disappointed with "Vin Diesel as an exterminator of witches". The plot was a bit too weak and scattered for my taste, and I felt that Diesel's portrayal of an exterminator lacked depth. The action scenes were decent, but overall, it just didn't live up to my expectations.
- Mark - 3/5 Stars - "Vin Diesel as an exterminator of witches" had its moments, but it didn't fully capture my attention. While Vin Diesel is undeniably charismatic, his performance felt a bit one-note in this film. The movie had the potential to be a thrilling action-horror, but it failed to deliver in terms of creating a cohesive and immersive world. I was left wanting more substance and substantial character development.
- Emma - 2/5 Stars - As a fan of Vin Diesel, I had high hopes for "Vin Diesel as an exterminator of witches", but unfortunately, it fell short. The concept had potential, but the execution felt lackluster. The storyline was predictable and lacked originality. Additionally, the dialogue was often cringeworthy, and the supporting cast didn't bring much depth to their roles. Overall, it was a forgettable film that didn't live up to its intriguing premise.